


equanimity.

by jotarojpg



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Gen, kylo cries, sorry if its OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-04 17:09:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10283960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jotarojpg/pseuds/jotarojpg
Summary: Kyle awakens aboard the evac ship that saved him after his duel with Rey, sore and with time to spare. The past 24 hours have been a blur to Kylo, he takes his time to reflect on done deeds.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this is my first work for a character in a fandom in a LONG time and first time posting publicly in a LONG time. Also, sorry it's short I'm just trying to get back into a regular writing routine.  
> It may seem a little ooc but personally, I can really see Kylo having a moment like this later on after he's finally had a moment to just c h i l l, maybe not to this extent, but still. Anyways, I am open to any feedback and enjoy!

 

_Ben Solo._ That had been his name once, the dark-haired man mused as he stared at the ceiling of what could only be a medbay, a clinical white light hanging overhead. Ben Solo. It had been his name during a time when things were simpler, a time when the world hadn't demanded he morph into the man the galaxy now knew as Kylo Ren, a time where he still felt the loving embrace of his busy mother, Leia, and he still went on adventures with his father, Han.

His chest constricted and his eyes stung as a long forgotten feeling crept its way from his stomach to his throat and settled there, tightening until he felt the urge to gasp and inhale deeply, his body trembling, a wetness sliding down his temples and disappearing into the mess of dark hair that adorned his head.

_Stronger,_  was what Snoke had said he would become if he killed his father, _it is necessary in order to complete your training. You must rid yourself of this pull to the light. You know what you must do._

_Stronger_ , Kylo echoed the word in his mind. Why then, did he feel so much weaker, so much more broken and lost after committing patricide, a sin so foul? He closed his eyes and suppressed the foreign feeling of a sob that threatened to pass through his lips, playing fragments of the memory over in his mind.

_From the moment he entered the lower levels of the oscillator he felt something was off, yet he was busy and in thought, Snoke's words and the current commotion stopping him from investigating any disturbances within the oscillator any further. It is only as he's almost done crossing the bridge, that he hears the voice of his father behind him, calling his name and making his presence known. It is in that moment where he feels something odd tug at his chest, a feeling he thought he had abandoned. That name,_ Ben _, echoes in his ears and in the vast space around them. He halts, mentally shakes his head and turns to face Han as light pours in from a door above, encasing them like a spotlight. The girl and the traitor are there, he notes._

_He remembers his father speaking._ Take off that mask, _Han calls out, his voice strong,_ you don't need it. _Some more words are exchanged and he remembers rushing to tell his father that he has destroyed Ben Solo, the foolish son of a foolish father, lest his confidence and composure come undone. He surprises himself - his voice barely wavers._

_Kylo recalls Han's words about Snoke - the ones he knows are true - the ones he shouldn't ignore yet argues back saying that Snoke is wise and saying that it's too late. The next thing he knows, his father speaks of taking him home with a level of such sincerity, that Kylo feels overwhelmed, a myriad of long forgotten fantasies and memories of home race through his mind in a fraction of a second- the pull to the light almost the strongest it's ever been. Home. He could go home. Tears sting his eyes as he feels the light and dark churn within him, battling each other. Perhaps he could go with Han, feel the embrace of his mother, experience what it feels like to have a true family, experience love, light, happiness,_ home _-_

Kylo jolted as a clang resounded through the room, his heart heavy in his chest as the memory of his encounter with Han dissipated, his focus directed at the nurse who had pulled back the thin curtain shielding him from the rest of the room. Kylo stared into the white light above as the nurse checked the thin layer of bacta on his face and the rest of his wounds, murmuring something that he couldn't quite catch, then left, not bothering to close the curtain.

He let his mind wander, not letting it settle on one particular thought. The silence of the room allowed for the deepest of suppressed thoughts to emerge. He turned his head to the side as his eyes scanned the room, gaze falling onto the silver hilt of his lightsaber which is placed neatly by a familiar black cowl and mask. Kylo's hand flexed automatically, but he withheld from calling it to him with the force, his mind sinking into memory. _He feels the light of the sun disappear from around Han and himself, the force swelling inside him, steeling him for what he was about to do. He looked into his father's_ eyes _and for a split second he thought against it, seeing love, acceptance, hope, all etched into his features. Han smiles at him so genuinely and then_  
  
_the lightsaber ignites._

Before Kylo knew it he felt a lump form in his throat as he clenched and unclenched the hand that had done the deed, his mind like static. He found the more he thought of his encounter with Han, the more he felt the pull to the light. He wanted to berate himself for it; he'd worked so hard to severe the ties to his old life, to get to where he was now - Snoke was almost finished in training him - and he wanted to throw away that greatness for some foolish idea of home? A home he never truly belonged to in the first place, where he felt unwelcomed like an outsider.  
Kylo gritted his teeth and hauled himself up into a sitting position. He wiped the backs of his hands against his damp eyes and stood, stoic persona already worn like a mask, his eyes dark. _That is it_ , he thought, _that is the last time I will be hindered by something so weak._ Despite his body's protests he donned the thicker layers of his dark outfit and pulled on his cowl and helmet, lightsaber tucked carefully against his side. It isn't until he reaches the medbay door and it opens, that he allows one more break in his fierce facade, thinking of the thing that he knows hurt him most - Han calling out to him from the end of the bridge. He takes a moment and looks up, promising silently, that Ben Solo would be his name once again _._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know, my tenses are messed up I couldn't be bothered to fix that when I went to post this, I have no time to beta read right now, oops.


End file.
